Chiang Mai Retreat Experience 2007

Hi everyone, I am back after 30days of silent retreat and 10days of holidays. I did my retreat at The Seven Fountains, Spirituality Centre, Chiang Mai-Thailand together with my 3 classmates.

The Retreat Master was Fr. David Townsend S.J. The retreat was a great experience, an intimate encounter with the Lord. Before going for the retreat i was very hurt, confused and discouraged of the recent happenings in my life. I had a lot of question for God. The retreat was also part of my discernment towards the priesthood. The Lord indeed is full of love and compassion and he assured me of his guidance, love and his presence. He indeed answered all my questions. My friends, the Lord hears our cries!!

A picture taken after the Eucharistic celebration at the end of our retreat.

(back row L to R:- Br.Clement Lim, Br.Cyril M. & Myself
front L to R:- Br.Surain, Retreat Director Fr.David Townsend s.j. & Cenacle Sister from the Philippines Sr.Angie)

Here are some of my insights, reflections and encounters with the Lord that i would like to share with all of u.

Day 1 (June 10) - Introduction
The retreat depends on me --> work for myself / my focus

God is only cheering

The retreat master is only a guide, and have no part between me and God.

I am to give myself space for surprises, just sit at the vacuum (being at rest).

I tell the Lord where I am now, what is moving me now, my own desires and anything specific to deal with the Lord.

I am finding out where I am? What I am building? What the Lord is telling me?

"People think that they do not know how to pray. Ultimately that is not important, because God understands our sighs, and knows what our silence means" - Br.Roger of Taize

Day 2 (June 11)
The signs before are now not showing as before. "Yes Lord, it hurts and is not comfortable". "What the meaning of all this?"

Jn20:19-29
Wanting to experience the risen Lord.
Wanting to hear his words of peace = complete harmony.
Wanting to see his wound !& touch it.
Wanting him to touch my wounds.

Day 3 (June 12)
Wanting to be different. feeling unworthy.
Encouragement = Jesus' words
Discouragement = what i am going through / weaknesses.
Not able to voice all that is bothering to the Lord!!!!
God never discourages. He can challenge (risk involved) but never discourages. He always lifts me up. Discouragement alienates me with God.
Wanting to admit; to tell the Lord how i feel.
Asking for healing of memory.
I want to reach out to him and hear his words of peace. I have to allow myself to be forgiven.

Day 4 (June 13)
Who am I? Do i like myself?
Jesus seems to like me!!
Strong encouragement and he reaches out to my wounds.
Discouragement = feelings of guilt.
I am to be careful of the evil spirit of discouragement (laugh at it, this isn't the voice of God, this is not how God speaks to me).

I am to remain in the upper room (Jn 20:19-29) to tell Him my sense of guilt, to tell him that it is difficult to say what i want to say and even look at him.

Ps.34:5 / 42:1-2 / 67:1 / 80 Lk 12:22-34


"Each priest must first win the spiritual victory alone and within himself before he can repeat that victory in the lives of others." - Fulton Sheen, The Priest is not his own.


Day 5 (June 14)
During prayer and meditation i had this image of myself sleeping on the lap of Jesus. (I have come to realise that this position is very sacred for me. It is a position that i only do it with my mother and my dear friend who is like a brother to me)

Lying my head on the lap of Jesus. Feeling secured and being loved.
A position of nurturing (Jesus as mother)
"How often have i longed to gather your children as a hen gathers her young under her wings" (Mt.23:37).

Feeling at home with no worries and anxiety. Feeling safe.

Prayer like a dream time.
(Imagination of running to Jesus) I had to use a lot of energy to get to Jesus. (Enthusiastic / desire).

My own act of faith.

Jesus is not making any demands and not even finding fault.

This position of nurturing (on the lap) is a foundational experience.

It is good for me to go back again to this scene especially when i am facing discouragements.

Now i am able to answer the question "Who am I?"

Whatever the circumstances in my life, this is the truth; My foundation = Jesus = Trustworthy.

Psalm 103 - God is love.


Day 6 (June 15)
I began the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius.

SpEx.23
Long life or short life is not in my control. God is in control.
He chooses any for me. But man sometimes interrupt God's plan.
With the free-will God has given, man chooses a short life--> consequences (e.g. smoking).

We live in this world as it is if we want God to be the foundation but there is a 'reality' that wants otherwise. I live in the world that also exist something opposite to God's plan.


Day 7 (June 16)
SpEx.45-52 - 1st Exercise
Feeling angry at the 3 characters, because they were lucky to be always with God (having been offered a share in the divine life); but they have fallen into pride, they changed from beings of grace to beings of hatred.
Feeling jealous because if I were there, I will make use of my privilege.

I too many a times have taken my 'privilege' (of always having the opportunity to be with the Lord, sharing in his life through the ministries) for granted.
Depended on my 'pride' - my strength / myself just like the 3 characters.

Global evil affects every aspect of our life - How it affects me?
Where do I find myself in this situation?


SpEx.53
In dialogue - "What have i done for you my God? What am I doing for you?"
Saying yes to the Lord, with the desire of wanting to be His priest.


Day 8 (June 17)
SpEx.55-61 - 2nd Exercise
I am looking at every aspects of my life including sins that I have confessed.
So forgiven but still part of my life (a history that I feel ashame, intense sorrow & tears for my sins).
Those thoughts make me to have a deep sense of regrets.

There are many things (sins) in the world that I am not responsible but I as a member in the world community share in the pain & tears of the sins of the world - the chain effect.
When i look at my own history, I see the happenings of the world that has influence the way i think and do - the consequences affects me.

God sending His Son into the world not to condemn but to give life--> God's Love (Jn.3:16).
In my sin God reaches out to touch me -->forgiveness.
Jesus is my personal Saviour.

"Once the tears was the eyes, the spiritual vision becomes clearer; that is why tears are often associated with the true understanding of sin" - Fulton Sheen, The Priest is not his own.


Day 9 (June 18)
SpEx.62-64 - 3rd & 4th Exercises
Looking at evil as in the vision of God.
God's goodness, His creation is good. Creative goodness of God arises in my reflection.
It gives a greater yearning for him.
Creation is also redemption (creative redemption).

My unworthiness gets loss in God's consolation & His love for me. I can allow myself to be strengthen and build up.


Day 10 (June 19)
SpEx.65-71 - 5th Exercise; Meditation on Hell
How to know something no one knows??
SpEx.65 is to see in imagination the length, breadth and dept of hell.
The dimensions of hell are nothing compared to God’s love and this was the assurance I received. (See also Eph. 3:16-19)

The fear of hell = is not wanting to loose the love and mercy of God.
God is unchanging in his creative outreach to me.
All I want is to be caught up in His love – a desire which is motivated in remorse & tears (intense sorrow) for my sins.


Day 11 (June 20)
Reflecting on all that has happen the past days of retreat.
The Gospel text that came to mind was Jn.21:1-17 (The appearance of the Risen Lord at the shore of Tiberius).
Affirmative & strengthening text for me. Something that I can actually do to strengthen myself (practical matters) in the arrears of weakness I know I have!!

There is a great inability & at the same time a desire.
Discouraging spirit can weaken the desire.
“The Lord is my strength in my weakness”.


Day 12 (June 21)
SpEx.91-98 (Contemplation of the Kingdom of Jesus – The Call to share Jesus’ work)
Sensing within myself my response to God – a true purified decision.
Jesus as model.
Looking at my response to vocation in seeing Jesus lived his vocation.


Day 13 (June 22)
SpEx.101-117 (Incarnation & Nativity)
Jesus' eagerness in wanting to redeem the world, bringing stability (Genesis) again after the chaos created by sin (Satan).

Jesus is for me, I am excited, and I want to show and tell everyone about him.
I want many to come and know him.


Joy in His presence.


Day 14 (June 23)
Presentation at the temple (Lk.2:22-38)
Flight into Egypt (Mt.2:13-18)
Jesus is God’s gift to me. He is my Saviour.
God is asking me to look after him (baby Jesus) for he is mine.


Day 15 (June 24)
Finding Jesus in the Temple (Lk.2:41-52)
Enthusiasm, zeal / passion
Obedience (“he went down with them…”vs.51)


Day 16 (June 25)
SpEx.136-156 (The sign & strategy of Jesus)
God’s people can be engage in good things but not necessarily doing God’s will.

Have to ask for revelation (discernment) because the person will not know due to the good things (result) he is doing thinking it is God’s will but in-fact it might be otherwise.

Pray to choose the best part (Mary – Martha’s sister) – Lk.10:42.


Day 17 (June 26)
SpEx.158-160 (Baptism of Jesus)
God lead me to the various stages in my life where he had confirmed / affirmed / called and made known my vocation.

Something going on here and now, deep and strong that is more than just a remembrance of memories that gives courage and affirms.

Doubts and desolations do not matter anymore.

I need these experience / remembrance.
They are foundational experience that I do not want to forget.
When there are doubts, uncertainties and desolations, I can put all these aside for I can bring to mind the foundational experience and memories.


Day 18 (June 27)
SpEx.161(1) / 274 (Temptation of Jesus)
God has been with me and is with me all the time.
Even during moments of temptations.
If only I have looked to him for strength and depended on him, I would have overcome the temptations.
Mindfulness of God in my life. “Yes I am with you (in all times)” – Mt.28:20.

Regret can erode / eat you to helplessness; another kind of regret can show you what is needed to change / to be different.

If you have no love (even an experience of giving or receiving love) and when a crisis comes you got no where to hold on to for strength.


Day 19 (June 28)
SpEx.161(2) / 275 (The Calling of the Apostles)
SpEx.165-168 (Three Ways of Being Humble)
Once again I have been affirmed of my calling and the motivation for pastoral is for the glory of God.
(This answer / result of reflection are very important to me because recently I was accused of seeking my own glory in my pastoral experiences after getting good reports from my pastoral parishes).


Day 20 (June 29)
SpEx.161(7) / 287 (Triumphant Entry of Jesus to Jerusalem)
There was a big crowd with rejoicing, music and acclamation “Hosanna…”
I too was in excitement while holding on to the donkey the Master was sitting on.
He was silent. When asked about His silence, he just smiled.
Then I began to feel the anguish, the pain of what he is going to endure.
I experience his human state.
I could only be there with Him as a friend who feels and understands his feelings.
We both continued the journey silently while the crowds rejoiced.


Day 21 (June 30)
SpEx.190-199 / 289 (Last Supper)
SpEx.200-207 / 290 (Agony in the garden)
Development of intimacy with prayer.


Day 22 (July 1)
SpEx.208(1) / 291 (From the garden to Annas)
SpEx.208(2) / 292 (Annas to Caiaphas)
Judas = persuasive --> believed in Jesus but had his own idea of the Messiah.
At times we are like Judas, always telling God that He got it all wrong!!
Telling God how to run the world.
We have our own image of how a God should be (our own plans). ‘God needs me syndrome’.
Pride --> no ability to turn to Jesus.

Peter = though coward but was humble enough to be able to turn to Jesus (forgiveness).


Day 23 (July 2)
SpEx.208(3) / 293 (Caiaphas to Pilate)
SpEx.208(4-5) / 294-295 (Pilate to Herod)
Jesus was not intimated by anyone.
Firm and submissive to the plan of God the Father.

Pray for the world (sinners).


Day 24 (July 3)
SpEx.208(7) / 296-297 (Way of the Cross)
When the people we love suffer, we too suffer. It can be a painful experience but not as great as the one (going through) suffering.

Feeling of uselessness / numb.
Could only be present, could not do anything.
The silence can be an intimate encounter (strong feeling) with the sufferer.

I realize I have nothing in great value (in-fact nothing at all) to give Him compare to what He is / has given me.


Day 25 (July 4)
SpEx.208(8) / 298 (Tomb)
Commitment.
I was challenged that I did not do anything to help (save) Jesus.
There might be a truth in it but it may not be the complete truth. For the real truth is, Jesus loves me!!

Do not linger around what is discouraging; go straight to what is encouraging. (Drop and go for consolation – ‘the better part’).

Strength in my weakness.


Day 26 (July 5)
SpEx.218-225 / 299 (The Resurrection of Christ our Lord and His 1st Apparition to Mother Mary)
Calmness of Mary like she knew her son would rise.
Full of joy (both mother and son).
Embraced each other (Mary caressed her son like congratulating him).

Jesus appeared to other people in full of glory (shinning / brightness).
I am called to share in His glory. Unspeakable joy.

Appearance of the Risen Lord to me in a familiar place (familiar place = a place where can embrace each other, place where can meet the Risen Lord, taking each other’s lives).


Day 27 (July 6)
SpEx.224 (‘Office of consoler’)
Memories of friendship.
Affirmation of friendship (especially from married friends) who gives strength to celibacy.


Day 28 (July 7)
SpEx.230-237 (Contemplation to gain love)
The Lord calls and in that calling I began to see my identity (who I am!!)
The ‘Call’ is His gift to me; I have nothing to offer to the Lord, so how can I not respond to it??

Trusting that the Lord is going to fill my emptiness; “Give me only your love and grace which is enough for me” – St. Ignatius of Loyola.


Day 29 (July 8) Conclusion
My experience alone though unique, has similarity with St. Paul’s experience (Eph.1:3-14).
God speaks uniquely to each one though experience can be the same.

It is amazing, it’s my own memories and obstacles that comes up, desires that picks up (surface) but God uses all these to speak to me.
I must allow myself to be amaze of the works of God (awe). – Rev.15:3-4.

Something that I do not produce but given to me, from His abundant outpouring love.

All this experiences does not come to an end, now it is up to me to nurture, share and let it all grow.


Day 30 (July 9)
What I want to take back??
Consolations, affirmations, answers, memories of His abundant outpouring love.

Need to always keep in mind the experiences of what we (God and me) mean to each other.

Hoping that desolations, sins and busyness would not be an obstacle of the intimacy that I have developed with God in this retreat when I ‘come down from the mountain’.

To be nourished by the Eucharist and the Word of God.
Ritualistic expression (e.g. Liturgy).
Examine of Conscience (need not be only to look out for sins and failure but also the consolations in daily living). Also to pray for the future (expectations or appointments that I am aware that it is going to take place).
Mindfulness of God’s presence.